Today my dear daughter sent me this text message and it was the sweetest reminder of how good God is. And it’s funny. Because this morning…in the wee hours before the sun was up, I lay in my bed and contemplated that very aspect of His nature. His goodness hasn’t always been something that I’ve known or trusted in. And I still find myself doubting that He really knows what He’s doing sometimes. I’m just ankle deep in this revelation of His character. But I’m going deeper still. Further and farther.
You see, I couldn’t tell what God was doing because I was too much in the middle of it. My Mawmaw used to say it like this. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. And I’m nowhere near the finish line. I know that. But I like to think I’m firmly in the middle…right where I’m supposed to be. I’m convinced that breakthrough is actually the journey, not the destination. And I might not have fully arrived, my ashes may still look like ashes, but this road to beauty is unquestionably gratifying.
You see, I couldn’t find the joy in the previous season. I couldn’t find value in the land where it seemed like I’d lost it all…the loneliest, saddest, most desolate place. And today, with one little text, the bigger picture began to come into focus. I learned so much in the Before. More than I really even wanted to. But I gained tools to be a better mom. I added recipes and lifestyle choices to my arsenal. I learned how important it is to be confident and convinced of Whose you are because sometimes situation and circumstance will try their darnedest to persuade you otherwise. I learned how important it is to have accountability and a covering…to anchor the words of God with the Word of God. And there are no bad guys. Just unfortunate happenstances and the saddest mistakes.
But in the here and now…there is such a sweetness in this place. Because somehow I’ve landed back home. With a view that I missed so badly after I left it…certain that one day it wouldn’t be there for me anymore. But here it is. More mine than it’s ever been. I get to watch my children play in the yard that I played in. We walk the blocks where I played kick-the-can with the neighborhood kids when I was their age. I take my headphones out when I’m walking with Georgia down Main St because someone will most assuredly comment on her cuteness and I don’t want to miss the chance to brag on her. I’ve found myself surrounded…with community and family.
And on the hard days…because there are still plenty of those…when morning seems to never come and mourning seems to never end…I have these reminders that it doesn’t last forever. There were weeks that I look back on now and I think, “How did I ever actually live through that?” But I did. I made it. Because the Father sustained me then just like He is sustaining me now. And when I asked Him what He’s faithful to, He responded like this. “I’m faithful to your heart.” And I don’t know what my heart wants. She’s a liar. Tossed back and forth like a boat caught in the sea. But He, Oh He! is the lifter of my head and the knower of my heart. And as long as my delight is in Him, I know that He will stir and stoke this heart’s desires to mirror His own. And when I asked Him what my next step was He said to trust Him. Trust. Faith that’s been cultivated through the steadfastness of relationship. The greatest form of worship.
He’s doing something beautiful. I don’t know what it is just yet. But I’m settled in. My head on His chest, content to watch Him find the precious among the worthless…the treasures among the detritus. Content to walk the road that leads from ashes to beauty, my pace matching the rhythm of His heartbeat.
Kassie Beckman 